Shakespeare wrote in the play Hamlet:

“He was a man, take him for all in all. I shall not look upon his like again.”

The relationship waters that we have with God as a “heavenly father”, for some of us, become muddied, murky and can even be a source of depression. An uncomfortable topic at best.

For those whom have nothing but a history of dysfunction with the word “father”, trying to have faith that God is our heavenly father can cause that sinking feeling of unrest and disappointment. Or just be rejected or dismissed altogether.

The traditional view of a father, from father to son, is one that teaches you to tie a tie, to shave, how to find a good woman. He is supposed to be a man of solid character, one that you look up to, call in an emergency, faithful and loyal to teach valuable life lessons. He is the man that a daughter would say, “I want to meet someone like him someday.” He is the one that instills truth, wisdom, strength and iron will. He’s not just strong, he seems unbreakable. One to take after, to follow in his footsteps. Someone to depend on, one that will never betray.

There are some men out there like that. This isn’t about the good ones. This is about the people that don’t want to think about “Fathers Day.” That even the word makes them wince. It could have been a plethora of reasons from various forms of abuse or neglect, to abandonment, rejection or addiction. The wound was created and it stuck around longer than the man himself.

To believe God as a father sounds almost painful and confusing. If the dad at home was militant and your childhood was a perpetual bootcamp, the voice in your head might be like a drill sergeant.

If you never had a good example, maybe there is a fear of being a father. That the brokenness would somehow continue because after all, doesn’t history repeat?

Women struggle with this also, thinking about God as a father, when their own was never there; was abusive, violated her. It could almost be re-traumatize trying to think of Him in that way.

The failed earthly role of the father we had, unintentionally becomes usurped onto the relationship we have as humans with the Lord.

Frankly any horrid experience with trauma can bleed into every role we have with males. Even though it’s unfair to make assumptions or punish other people for our past relationships, people do it anyway.

The marriages that ended in divorces were sometimes because of a wife or husband that had “daddy issues”. The truth is, bringing an unhealed person into a binding relationship, or two very broken souls into this, unless healing trumps the past, divorce is usually inevitable.

Often the expectation is that all will be happily ever after once people leave the alter, but the truth is, refusal to deal with it just means postponing which actually means a ticking time bomb ready to blow. No matter how much “love” there is. Unresolved wounds, result in fresh ones.

Sometimes people never knew there was problem until they got into a relationship and the mirror was held up, the light reflecting on the not so pretty parts and the “inner child” scars and wounds.

A little girl whose father was never around could just as easily turn into the woman that’s attracted to “avoidant” men because she’s still trying to find that man that never stuck around. So deep down she keeps chasing one to try to make him stay, to prove to herself that it wasn’t her fault that he left. That abandonment, that deep betrayal caused a fracture of the mind. The want to be loved so desperately she is willing to deny boundaries, ignore instincts and even put herself in unsafe or unhealthy situations for the sake of what she believes is “love.”

Or the little girl that was violated by her father, that grows up as a woman into promiscuity because she was taught that “in the name of love” she is only good for one thing. And any attention, especially sexual is the only way to recreate that morbid deep early stages of learning; What it meant to receive love, would satisfy this time? But it never did. Even at the cost of feeling that shame, that guilt, the sickening past that keeps turning into her future. That “sleeping around” isn’t “slutty” because that’s just judgement. She settles for anything because it seems like it’s better than nothing. Even if it’s only behind closed doors with men that don’t love her, there is that realization that maybe there is nothing else. She was shown she was unloved, unworthy and made an agreement with the lie that came forth from the crime. So if she believes she is unworthy, than it must be so. For what did she do to warrant being treated as a human garbage dump?

Perhaps it’s the man that got married with good intentions, hope, excitement and the choice to be a husband, then a father. But couldn’t for the life of him figure out how to meet anyone’s needs as he couldn’t even meet his own and so he buckled under the weight of the demands presented to him. That he had never felt more inadequate and emotionally flaccid. When once he couldn’t wait to go home, he then sat in the driveway white knuckling the steering wheel and feeling frozen in the drivers seat. Then with great shame realizing that he really didn’t feel like he had anything to give at all. A sense of failure and devastation.

Maybe it’s a father that feels like a fraud. That whenever his children are disrespectful towards him, disobedient and ignoring him on purpose; something snaps and the careful control that he tried to maintain has gone out the window. He has the Jeykll and Hide complex, the one that scares his children into submission. But only while he’s overreacting and they only “behave” to avoid his explosions. He then feels the guilt for this and the disappointment in himself because he just doesn’t know what he’s doing. And it seems like he could never change.

Maybe it’s the man that only knew abuse from his father and slowly over time, internalized that hatred as his own. Looking in the mirror he is greatly reminded of the man that wounded him so deeply and that reflection becomes unbearable. So he decides to change his pronoun to “she” and no longer be a “he”. He starts wearing wigs, make-up, dresses. Promising himself that he will never turn into that man, that gave unprovoked beatings and spoke unforgettable venomous words. With every hormone treatment, his emotions became even stronger, even more irrational. And while he wanted to have children, he never wanted to be called “father”.

Our relationships, our lives, our actions always speak louder than words. Posting highlight reels are nice but the in-between days and months of what felt like a life we never asked for that’s the dead giveaway to the reality we don’t like to post about.

God as a heavenly father, has an ick factor for anyone that ever thought the word “father” brought nothing but disappointment and heart ache.

The truth is, we carry around our baggage until a few things work together for us to set them down. We realize, with emotional insight, exactly what we are struggling with and what areas that we have the most painful of wounds. We choose to seek help, wisdom and counsel to safely work through them. We then put in the effort to work through lies of the mind, wounds of the heart and fractures in the soul. It isn’t impossible.

It’s okay to give yourself permission to heal.

The truth is, God as a heavenly father isn’t like the freefall assumptions that get thrown around. Some of us have heard the church make things up, fill in the blanks and “speak for God” to the point that even Christians don’t know what to think. Many of us step away from church because we just wanted to know God for real and they spoon fed us a counterfeit.

That’s where the scriptures come in. It’s hard to argue with scripture, considering it’s historical validity. Rather than just taking someone’s secondhand information and conveyance, here is what was written and remained for years.

Father to the fatherless, always loving, never to abandon, always forgiving, provider, sincere, deliberate, aware, intentional, kind, compassionate, strong, welcoming, accepting, nurturing, a friend, a counselor, a teacher, full of grace, compassionate.

Psalm 68:5, 103:12, 39, 145:8, 1 John 3:1, Deuteronomy 4:7, Hebrews 12:3-11, Colossians 1:9, Ephesians 1:15, 3:19, Matthew 7:11.

Even if there has never been an experience in this way, it can still happen.

Even if it seems like you’re just drifting in life, just trying to make it, doing the best you can, trying to make a way when it seems like there is no way. Even if it’s been hard for a long time. Never had a good encounter with the church. Maybe the scripture has always fallen flat or seemed like people just said it to you trying to make you feel better but it never made sense or seemed like it mattered. It won’t pay the bills to sit around with wishful thinking? Maybe deep down there is a need that you were never allowed to acknowledge.

Or you’ve been carrying this weight for so long, you just don’t want to have to do anything. You don’t want to conjure up the energy to come to God because it sounds like one more thing on the task list. One more thing you have to do?

Sometimes hearing a “Christian perspective” is annoying. It almost seems pretentious to try to throw scripture at someone whose depleted like it’s some kind of frivolous cliche. Honestly if there is no connection to the scripture or a desire to want to hear it, it just seems like more noise.

The truth for many, when they finally are able to receive a truth that is new to them, is that there is a quiet surrender of trying to put effort and energy where it doesn’t belong. It’s not about doing, it’s about being. It’s not about trying to be acceptable. It’s not trying to keep up a facade anymore. It’s not having to wear a mask and pretend to be sure of themselves. It’s not complicated and it’s not about making a to-do list and powering through.

It was a car ride in silence that led to a confession in a prayer that wasn’t eloquent. A profession of being exhausted, tired of trying to carry everything on their own. A request for help that was answered in peace.

It was an ugly cry in the shower demanding “Where were you when I needed you?” A releasing of years of grievances against their father and themselves. It was an uncurling of the tight fisted grip on the pain and allowing themselves to let go, to grieve, to mourn. And to wake up encouraged, empowered, free.

No matter what way it looks or what the details are, the need for a father is naturally built into us. We were supposed to have that unconditional support. We were meant to have that care and comfort. We aren’t wrong for craving that. And for anyone that doesn’t even know what to want, or what they were allowed to want, that’s part of this too. Even if the father that you had was a good one but couldn’t stick around because he passed and you just miss him….

They say that “grief is love with no place to go” and so do we see this manifest in so many facets and caverns of our lives. Whatever is missing, we miss it. Whatever need isn’t met, we aren’t wrong for needing it. Being human has subtle pains and loud tragedies.

Everyone has their own timeline for readiness and healing. It can’t be forced or rushed, nor should it be. No matter how painful the pain, the truth is, how strong is the healing? How meaningful the recovery?

Whatever the wound, the absence, the longing, the need for love, it’s available for you, when you’re ready.

Don’t give up.