What does it mean to “let go and let God”? This is one of those cliched sayings that gets the eye roll trophy, often it’s spoken from a “well meaning” person with some kind of “spiritual” belief system; that for lack of better words has a limited arsenal titled “encouragement” that really doesn’t know how to comfort another person. Maybe they’ve never really needed comfort, or perhaps they really just don’t know what to say.

Honestly it’s not just the “Church” that’s under fire for saying unhelpful words. It’s anyone really that sees a hurting soul and tries to give some lame “answer” who are “just trying to help.”

It really is okay to be honest and say “I can see that you’re hurting and I don’t know what to say. I feel helpless but I’m here.” Trying to relate isn’t always the way to help. Sometimes it’s just showing up, being present and giving an honest presence. It’s by no stretch of the imagination supposed to be a comparison game.

Someone shares the worst that their going through and then the compulsion to overshare breaks in, to “identify” to “relate and to try to share in it. Sometimes this results in the person asking for help feeling even more unseen and ignored. Even trauma bonding somehow comes into play. It really is just a big mess that is actually avoidable.

Worry really is just another form of meditation.

It is rumination on all that we can’t control. It is that unbearable place between fact and fiction.

P.s and b.t.w to anyone that is currently saying “my anxiety”, “my bi-polar disorder”, “my OCD” and “my depression:

I would greatly encourage to surrender ownership of these things. When you say “my” it gives a false sense of control and identity. As if to say the symptoms that we have named and labeled belong to us as if they are pets or possessions. As they have sat down in the living room of our brain and are now a permanent guest. We experience it, sure but what is the purpose of bringing it up in everyday conversation and on social media calling it “My.…..” This is part of the narrative of society that we have worked so hard to normalize getting help for what we are going through that unfortunately resulted in oversharing and owning the symptoms into a personification.

Who are we apart from disorders, flaws and diagnose? Should we go on to say “It’s my cancer?” “It’s just my addiction.”?

The truth is symptoms and diagnose are not identity. There are remedies, cures, changes, healing and recovery available. There is more to us than struggles, hardships and trauma.

These things we experience aren’t meant to define us. Beyond pronouns, labels and titles. Are we not a soul, a mind and a heart?

Circling back to the purpose of this topic is to say what exactly are we in control of and what does that mean to trust God?

(As far as atheism is concerned, there isn’t a god to trust, just the self. This isn’t an argument to convert. It’s a truth from a biblical perspective. If this isn’t for you, by all means, politely disregard. )

“Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding but in all your ways acknowledge Him and He will make your paths straight.” Proverbs 3:5-6

Read that again. And again. Break that down and memorize it.

This is the one of the sharpest tools known to man. Why? Read that line:

“Lean not on your own understanding…”

That rings true and profound because of another cliched saying “Follow your heart.” Aside from the fact that your mind and heart may be troubled, your brain depleted, your head filled with lies or contradictions: To refuse to lean on your own understanding is a humbling experience. It says I don’t have all the answers, that I can’t always look inward, that I’m not fully reliant on myself. It is a choice to surrender our determined sense of self sufficiency and instead seek a higher understanding beyond what we are used to, what we thought prior to in order to get us to the point that we’re at now. In order to look to truth, there is a choice.

To say that I will not make up my own truth. I will not compromise the real thing by twisting it to fit into my own cognition and refuse conviction. The Bible, regardless of any skepticism or ignorance, checks out. Historically validated by witnesses and even Atheistic groups alike. The Bible has mental health down to a T. It guides on how to break the cycle of worry and the desperate need for control.

The truth is that we are in an unlearning and the fact that we have to remove the conditioning of the negativity that we have been exposed to. If its’ obviously not working, why continue to do it? Simple as it may seem, worry somewhere along the way convinces people that we are controlling something by ruminating. Take for example the obsessive thought cycle that stays on repeat in our minds. There is some type of pay off that exists in the mind for engaging in this behavior. Often it is an unquiet mind that has never fully surrendered to truth. It is a source of addictive comfort, to seek out control.

For example, having an argument with a spouse. The argument happened at 8am but still at 2pm does the conversation repeat, the tones, the facial expressions. The repetition pay off is that “if I just keep this on repeat I may be able to change the narrative, I might be able to come up with a better outcome, or a better defense.” It can even be a panicked survival technique to try to memorize everything in order to prevent it in the future or come up with a way to respond differently in order to stop further emotional damage.

The myth of control is that if we can control one thing or a few we believe that we can control everything. Even though we know full well we can’t, it feels like it, if we think about it enough. It becomes burdensome to have a mind fixated on control.

It’s a different type of fatigue and level of unrest that wears us down physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually. Comparison isn’t the only thief of joy. Control competes for first place in that department. The truth is that trying to control ourselves, circumstances, finances, children, partners, work, life-all of it-who possibly can juggle that many balls in the air? And are we really?

Maybe you show up for everyone. You’re the “strong one”, “the rock”, “the giver”. Maybe everyone turns to you for comfort and you are the most steadfast. Or maybe it’s really people pleasing and co-dependency with a savior complex packaged in a nice external facade of having it altogether. Maybe there really is only you as the backbone of the family, a single parent with little to no help. Maybe it’s you inside a failed marriage with an apathetic spouse that could care less about you or helping share the load.

Whatever the details are, control often enslaves while it destroys. Its the bait and switch. It convinces that something is being done when in all actuality nothing is being accomplished for the better. It instead is a slow draining and depletion of the mind, of the soul. Getting out of bed seems like a daunting task as it means facing the reality daily, that there is so much to carry on our shoulders. Men and women alike both tend to carry this. Although there are differences between the sexes, people with responsibility face this struggle, regardless of gender. Often being a parent and a partner the weight increases.

So what’s the answer? Is there one? The obvious solution is to not abandon ship when it comes to our responsibilities, we obviously must care for them and be a good steward. To not shy away from challenges and give into the temptation to neglect our duties. No.

It is instead going back to beliefs and mindsets. It is the realization of self actualization. It is releasing the jedi mind trick mentality of trying to will things into existence that are beyond our control. It is understanding our relationship to control.

So what do we control? On an obvious physical level, it’s what we wear, consume and do. On an emotional level it is handling our emotions and choosing response over reactivity. It is working, cleaning, interacting with others. Meeting the needs of our children sufficiently on every level, if we are parents. It is service to others from an altruistic state, for the greater good of society. It is keeping and implementing personal boundaries. It is submitting our personal struggles up underneath the authority and goodness of God Himself. To deny there is a God, that’s a different topic entirely. To believe in Him and not submit to Him, this is to say that the God that invented the universe, that hears you when you pray, cannot help you? To be a controlling believer is a contradiction in terms. We may feel that we have the weight of the world on our shoulders, that we are trapped beneath it and totally on our own but this means we are then deceived as we say that we swore allegiance to the one that holds the world, but doubt that He can help us.

To be frank, what good is a belief in God if you believe He is just that “big guy in the sky” that cares nothing for you? A controlling Christian is a sad lot. We were never designed to carry what we believe that we think we can hold. And to anyone who is struggling with this awful weight, you can put it down.

What can’t we control?

How people think, behave, respond, act and speak. We may love our children but we cannot control them. Discipline and regulate sure. But they are free agents that are up under your temporary care and one day they’ll be off on their own. We cannot control whether or not someone loves or respects us. We cannot control our husbands or wives and if you do, perhaps that’s a red flag for both parties. We cannot control the weather, obviously being afraid of it is real but we can’t change it. We can’t control the forces at work out in the world. Politicians, government, natural disasters, sickness or famine. We cannot control the future. The What-ifs. We cannot control the past.

To control is to operate from a place of anxiety and fear. Addressing what these fears are, the truth really can set us free.

To lean not on your own understanding is a fresh form of freedom of saying that even if I have been in survival mode for years, perhaps I felt that this was the only way before, it doesn’t have to be now. To carry a heavy pack for so long, is an energy drainer. It’s okay to set it down. In all your ways acknowledge Him and He will make your paths straight. To ask for help is not to admit failure or weakness. It’s honest. It’s truth. It’s saying “I’m tired.” It’s acknowledging our human capacity and limitations. It’s admitting that we really weren’t designed to be everything to everyone and that it really is okay to ask for replenishment. It is a relinquishing of a false belief system that we aren’t super humans. We need rest. We need safety. We need to refilled and refueled. How can someone give when they have nothing left?

“To let go and let God” is not hippy dippy baloney that says you are just a tumbleweed floating about for no good reason. Its actually saying “I’m choosing to set down the burdens that I was never meant to carry.”

If you’re carrying more than you should. I would encourage you to seek out the way to release what you can’t control. It’s not weak. It’s not failure. It’s a demand on a level of energy that we were never meant to have to give. And even if this is how it’s always been it doesn’t mean it has to continue that way.

It’s okay to seek out the kind of change that you crave, that you need. To set boundaries you never knew you could set. To build a new foundation, one of honesty, truth, strength and of asking for the help that really can come from God Himself. You aren’t alone even if you feel that you are.

No matter how hard your life has been and no matter what you’re facing there are always options.

Don’t give up. Not on hope, not on yourself. It’s okay to let go of the things that you can’t control.