The joke is that; adulting is 100% garbage, do not recommend. But honestly; any seasoned adult will have faced a variety of trials and tribulations in their lifetime, possible trauma and emotional pain along the way.

The ultimate flex in life isn’t the social media posts that beg attention and pity. It is steadiness, not impulsivity, it is one fully rooted, deeply into the rich soil they’ve cultivated; And come what may, no matter the storms, oh they are a site to behold.

They’ve endured. Blood, sweat and tears. Faced failure but didn’t internalize it. Felt the weight of it but didn’t succumb to it. They faced betrayal but didn’t turn bitter or hateful. It wasn’t always “water off a ducks back”, it was choice. It was the exhale when there was heart attack style pressure. They made it look easy because they didn’t project it off onto others. They fought for their peace.

Our society praises verbal vomit and for anyone to blather on about “their truth” even at the cost of being unapologetically incorrect, insensitive and inappropriate. To walk around waving a red flag proudly, is hardly an achievement and no-participation metals really don’t apply.

Weakness was never meant to be a permanent address on the boulevard of shame. Personal deficiency doesn’t require applause. Saying “This is just the way I am” is by no means worthy of a standing ovation. Anyone can throw in the towel on moral obligations and personal responsibility.

What really helps us to be the captain of our own ship and use a proper compass to navigate rough seas; is not a cop out or a white flag to a life of “I can’t even right now.”

Emotional intelligence will assess any situation and determine what level of energy evocation is required. It is not one led by their emotions and “following their heart”. It is discernment. It is sound mind and sober judgement. Feelings need not be judged as “right/wrong/good/bad” black and white themes don’t apply. We feel, period. But we don’t allow our feelings to evolve into reactions which then determine the course of our outcome.

Mindset is what determines everything. How we interpret and perceive the information coming towards us in the same vein of assessment. If it comes to us, that is what is within our control. Our actions. our choices, our daily tasks and responses to life. Everything else is beyond that. Mel Robbins often has the saying “Let them.” And this in essences means we need not to seek control of other human beings, step back, set boundaries and recognize our own autonomy. That we can only control ourselves, not others.

Life skills are often achieved and acquired later in life, Carl Jung said something in the vein of life beginning in our 40s for good reason. We are usually done entertaining jesters when we figure out we can sit rightfully on the throne of autonomy and finally recognize we can bloody well make our decisions without bowing down to the imposters called themselves “Kings”.

No more does having a garbage dump of a childhood rule our decisions. We stop blaming our parents. We let go of the exes that we thought destroyed us but really did us a big favor and exited the stage. We start waking up in peace and quiet, the truth that however this day is going to go, we aren’t at its’ mercy. We see that we really can choose what we say, how we react or respond.

Autonomy and responsibility; peace and sanity-these become the most attractive words. The sought after. We stop chasing the American dream and make our own damn way. Not what our parents said we had to be or an ex tried to conform us into, or society even. We stop walking around with a bucket of cares to give to people and handing them out for free. “Don’t cast your pearls before swine and shake the dust off of your feet” start to make sense. Finally its not about climbing the cooperate ladder or defining ourselves by our bank account numbers. It stops being about the social media selfies and craving for public admiration, no. We look in the mirror and like our own dadgum reflection.

Its not about chasing self help and calling God “source” because we lack the courage to actually address Him by name. We stop trashing other people and what they believe because frankly it doesn’t matter anymore. You stop fearing church because it can’t come after you and get you anyway. But instead you start realizing everything Jesus said was true. This isn’t about what other people tried to lie to you about you actually realize no one is force feeding you anything and you could slap them silly if they were.

Life was never meant for bowing to the false god of chaos. It was about achieving that moment of a quiet mind, a peaceful soul and joyful heart; All the things that money can’t buy. It’s about that moment when you know the trauma changed you but it didn’t destroy you. Its’ forgiving but not forgetting, of course you don’t have to forget. It changed you, didn’t it? It’s that day you realize that you aren’t trying to outrun your past, that you aren’t an imposter. That you aren’t people pleasing. That you will leave anyone or anything that is ruining your life. You are no longer making vows you can’t keep to people or things. You aren’t saying “til death do us part” you’re saying “this brings death so I part to choose life.”

Survival skills aren’t limited to taking a deep breath and completing a worksheet on anxiety. It is a collective mindset and realization that you are in control of you. Not addictions, not people, not circumstances. You may have already had someone or something threaten your freedom.

No one should be able to take what we aren’t willing to surrender. And no one can take from you what they didn’t give.

Emotional intelligence requires the effort to focus on the trajectory of your life and where you take aim. There is a target that you chose. It is practice, some misfires, a broken bow, a missed mark or several. But it is eventually with that very human but God given characteristic, tenacity. There is no more, I am going to lay down and take this crap. It is deliberacy, intentionality. It is the choice to react rather then respond.

Life is not happening to us.

That is a victim mindset. Even if we have been victimized we are not forced to remain in that place.

The victor mindset is not just “may the odds be ever in your favor.” It is saying I am not waiting for that, I make my own choices. I choose my response. I know who I am.

And if we aren’t there yet? But want to be? That’s where the learning and the growing with help come in. That’s where counseling, non-judgmental coaching arrives. This isn’t about the prideful “I’ve arrived” mentality. This is about living the life that you want. This is about seeking peace and working to maintain it. This is about being healthy and whole. This is about being alive and well.

No matter where you’re at, it’s where you are. But you don’t have to stay there. There are always options, choices, changes and always hope.

Don’t give up.