Attachment styles aren’t in place for no reason, they are the barometer for the realization that grown people had corruptive childhoods that resulted in adult themed issues;

it meant:

the desire to attach but then fear that it wouldn’t work out and so therefore, think through it and cut the losses. It is, the want to be in healthy relationship but see everything that could potentially go wrong and become the very thing that sounded like the most ideal situation but would inevitably become the most toxic situation imaginable. it ultimately means that there is a real battle going on behind the scenes in the hearts and souls of men and women globally.

Whatever relationships we grew up with as children, influences us permanently. But not necessarily irrevocably.

Our parents were our practice.

They were supposed to show us unconditional love, support, self-esteem, acceptance, comfort, strength, joy, happiness, kindness, self control, healthy, generous, sincerity, morals, values, ethics, intentionality, security, depth, positivity, safety, intelligence, emotional well being and just about anything excellent or praiseworthy.

Some really did “try their best.” Some just outright failed. Some didn’t stick around. Some are still wreaking havoc in our adult reality as they did in our childhood.

Broken relationships with our parents can often turn into broken relationships with just about anyone.

Emotionally unavailable adults were usually emotionally neglected children.

“You can’t give what you don’t have” is a common saying for a reason.

Some men had a toxic mother that never showed them love at all. They were emotional manipulators, score keepers, abusive on different levels, gaslighters, emotional enmeshment driven, frankly an absolute nightmare excuse of a “mother”. Someone who had no business having a child and should have never had control over a child at all.

Growing up with a female like that, paints a picture for a young man that women aren’t partners, they are opponents and even if its natural to want a relationship with a woman, wouldn’t it just history repeating itself again?

Some women had a father that said with words he loved her but with his actions proved otherwise. “Would bang anything in a skirt” to come home to his wife and reduce her to tears and emotional wreckage only to divorce her, leave her and then come back again saying how much he loved her but would never change; all the while the little girl saw this as “this is just what men do.”

The little girl saw this man as strong but chaotic, physically present but emotionally distant. That she didn’t want to be like her mother but then why did her mother love him so? Why did his abuse become a normal household routine? Why did she allow it, put up with, it must have been worth it? So in the neurological fabric of her being as she grew up with chaos, so did her mind gravitate “naturally” to chaos. She would meet men that promised so much only to be just like her father. And she would stick around.

She would chase him, put up with him because for some deeply rooted, ingrained reason, it seemed like she was…supposed to. She didn’t recognize the broken vows, the boundary violations. She didn’t realize it de-armored her, that it took away her God given right to walk in power and authority. Her nervous system knew it but also reject it. She didn’t see that this man took more than she realized that she could give. That he really was a liar and a thief, greedy for all she had, but would never love her in return. He was empty to begin with, that’s why he selected her and called it “love.”

Adults with unhealed wounds will either repeat the same mistakes of their parents as it is familiar or they will be generational curse breakers.

They will either keep seeking boundary breakers or be boundary keepers.

They will stop seeking chaos and be peacekeepers.

Or they will keep allowing history to repeat.

Attachment issues have a reason. But they don’t have to mean a permanent lifestyle.

Ultimately what is a healthy relationship? What should any of us be hoping or looking for?

Respect. 24/7, 365, no compromise. There is no punishing a partner for someone else’s sins. Honor, all day everyday. Commitment and loyalty, no question. There is no fighting. There may be hurt feelings or miscommunications. But there is no selfish hateful agenda to be proved right. This person is a gift to you. You don’t dishonor, disrespect of take them for granted. This is 1000% mutual. There are no unhealthy red flags or toxic traits.

“Women are not rehabilitation centers for badly raised men. We want a partner not a project.” (probably not accurately worded but pretty sure this is from Julie Roberts).

And to add to that? Men are not detox centers for poorly raised women.

It goes both ways folks.

No one has to be in a partnership. It’s a choice.

No one NEEDS a man or NEEDS a woman, if we are unhealed, selfish, toxic people that don’t know how to love; What we need is to be on a healing journey, learning coping skills, learning what it means to be in a partnership.

If anyone is chasing lust, they will never be satisfied. Trying to be fulfilled by a perfect person that will “accept you at your worst and appreciate you at your best.”

HOLD ON.

What exactly is your worst and what exactly is your best?

Honestly from counseling countless individuals for over sixteen years, I can honestly attest that most people have their normal hierarchy of needs.

They want to be loved.

They want to be in a good relationship and have their needs fulfilled.

But even though they want these things, they aren’t operating out of selflessness but selfishness.

They aren’t really seeking to be givers, they are takers.

They aren’t willing to commit, they are afraid of it.

They want to have what they saw in movies but they honestly can’t rise to the task.

They commit to people and fail them because they sense their own lack.

You can’t give from a place of lack.

“Good intentions pave the road to hell.” eh?

Often the story unfolds to want the norm but there is no way to obtain it, maintain it or keep it.

Unhealthy people want healthy but they aren’t healthy and sabotage it.

Women/men often find themselves invested in relationships with men/women because they are hopeful they will “get better” that they have “potential” but the truth is:

Unless divine intervention takes place, a conversion, an ego death takes place. What you see is what you get.

Most men/women are exactly who they are by age 38-40.

If you meet a man and get into a relationship and say the word “potential” that means “project” which means you are co-dependent. Your father/mother may have had potential. Your ex may have. But did they use it?

Women can spend their entire life being a caregiver, caretaker and servant. She is hardwired to be a helper. So naturally she finds a man that she thinks needs her help. But really it isn’t her alone that he needs.

Attachment disorders across the board exist in people that are struggling to heal or don’t realize that they need to it.

And that is why the co-dependent emerges. They have the savior complex. The I am only ok if you’re ok. The I have to take care of everyone but myself.

People who were left at the alter of life are always looking for someone to save.

We have a buffet of information available to diagnose, to treat, to label, to medicate.

But the truth is, if you don’t see a reason to heal you won’t seek healing.

If you see that you do, there is hope.

No person on the planet can heal what someone did in the past.

No matter how long we postpone, we still know deeply that this isn’t it. That this isn’t the end game. That there is more to life than suffering years of what our parents did or didn’t do. What our caregivers did or didn’t do.

There is hope. There is healing, there is help available.

Don’t give up.