Some of us have been so hard wired to survive that we are absolutely 100% out of touch for what we actually need.

We didn’t have parents that were involved or wanted to be. And if they were around, the did more damage than good.

We didn’t have a norm in order to measure anything by, we just lived, with a wound that would not heal.

And years later, it continues on, alive and well until it gets a triage appointment to look at, assess, diagnose and then chose a form of treatment that would best help the healing process.

From a woman’s stand point, the father wound is a compound fracture to the female soul.

It is the one person she should be able to trust and he wounded her so deeply, every relationship after that will always be darkened by the shadow of shame that accompanies the wound.

A primary example is the woman that it’s in a relationship that is terrified to be vulnerable and cannot allow herself to be truly and deeply intimate with a man because she is always trying to protect herself from being hurt again.

From the outside she puts off the ability to function on a stable level and seems rather ordinary in her day to day. She doesn’t communicate that she’s dealing with an alternated nervous system. One that is constantly buzzing with hypervigilance, with the splinter in the brain. A tape that constantly plays and influences her every decision regarding the man she loves. She knows that she is loyal, faithful and committed. But she saw how that worked out for her mother.

There was a time when her mother sat at the kitchen table in the middle of the divorce and sobbed uncontrollably from the little girl’s father’s infidelity. She confessed all the sins of the father, how deeply he had hurt her and the little girl sat, forced to bear witness to a mother who was falling apart at the hands of the man she loved the most. There was the abandonment of their family, the way her father had chosen other women over her, over her mother. The burning and sinking feeling of rejection was painful. The way he had cheated on all of them, she felt his betrayal all the way to her core and it changed her permanently. It felt like the watchman had left his post, left them all exposed. She had looked at her mother in shambles before her and said in her heart as a vow.

“I will never let a man break me like this.”

And in all honesty, she won’t. Trust is already challenging to the human species. To live with brokenness complicates it.

Most women can only give so much but still have one foot out the door. While they want a healthy relationship but know that happily ever after isn’t real, they want that promise of forever but have to fight doubt and disbelief every step of the way. And if your own father betrays you, the one that was supposed to love you, nothing is ever the same again. Shattered glass that can never be put back into it’s original state.

To forgive is possible, to forget that’s impossible.

But forgiveness while powerful and part of the process, won’t change the woman that was formed out of the little girl that was betrayed.

The reality of broken trust and betrayal is the realization that the worst case scenario happened before and it seems like some kind of unspoken rule that it will inevitably happen again. The fear was real and so was the pain. So this translates to survival mode.

When we needed safety we were given pain instead.

The illusion shattered very early and a side effect of that was hopelessness even with the urge to hope.

The movies and the books never help, it always seems like some wonderful Utopian idea that somewhere out there will be a prince that will come and rescue the damsel in distress. But being the damsel feels embarrassing and sounds weak; she’s been fighting her own battles long enough. She honestly doesn’t want to have to admit to the need to be loved because vulnerability and intimacy are frankly scary words to her. When she was vulnerable she was destroyed and left with no help to heal.

The unapologetic wounds of our fathers remain open until it is cleansed, the wound intricately stitched up and the uncomfortable healing begins.

The role of the father is underrated in today’s society that is saturated in false feminism. The culture says women are supposed to be so independent and self sufficient that she shouldn’t need a man for anything. That if we can have babies without men, we can do the same jobs as them, we can buy sex toys that replace even the genitalia of a male; some would say. then what do we need them for?

A father that loves his daughter in a whole and healthy way will teach her all the things that she needs to know in order to navigate life. He will instill security and confidence in her but also encourage her to walk in her femineity. She isn’t meant to be hardened and isolated, resenting the male species and boasting this at every turn as if males were disposable.

False feminism is the pendulum swing in or history of women who were once not allowed to vote and were considered only baby bearers and husband worshippers. Not allowed to do anything, to now we believe we are permitted to do anything. Masculinity was built into males for a reason. Femineity into females for good reason. We aren’t designed to fill roles that we were never made for and the stress fractures we see worldwide prove that.

Mankind is always guilty as charged for taking matters into our own hands to the extreme.

Just because we could doesn’t mean we should.

Unfortunately some of us are thrust into dualistic roles out of necessity. Single parenting shows this as having to be both justice and mercy. There are realities that have to manifest in order to function, to accomplish things and to carry on with life. But the sadness that exists is within the person.

The original design is for a father to unconditionally love and accept his daughter. He doesn’t create a false fabrication of her being a perfect princess who could do no wrong as he is honest and willing to address out of loving discipline, any poor behaviors or selfishness.

He teaches self esteem and confidence. He never tears down her identity. Should he make a mistake he is quick to repent. He is protective and operates out of a proper place of respect and humility. He isn’t one that hits or humiliates. He is her biggest advocate but also her accountability when need be.

It isn’t in his nature to tear her down or hurt her feelings, to do so would grieve him. He desires her to be strong, equipped, capable, loving, wise and deliberate. He doesn’t paint a false perspective of living but he doesn’t instill fear and grief into her being.

He is a teacher and willing to communicate no matter what in order to encourage her to do the same. He is present, involved and to a healthy degree, selfless. He is a good listener, encourages a balance of enjoying life but also being serious when the occasion calls for it. He teaches love, respect and honor and he lives it. He doesn’t do fake or counterfeit.

He never uses her for his ego, he has boundaries and maintains them. He is always appropriate so that he can teach her how to interact with men. He is motivated to teach her justice, healthy boundaries and autonomy.

She is given permission to learn and even in her mistakes he doesn’t shame her for such things. He sees her as precious but knows that he must protect her at all costs and not throw her to the wolves or leave her to fend for herself. He is there because she was entrusted to him and he will do whatever it takes not to let her down. He provides her not just materialistically but spiritually, emotionally, mentally and physically.

This is impossible for a man to do if he is unable to do any of these things, if he feels like he has nothing to give, if he has no way to provide any of these things. It’s impossible to give to anyone from a place of lack.

The requirements are high. It’s ironic to think most people naturally want to be fathers but then mess it up because the reality of it was a price that they couldn’t pay.

To be a parent is demanding, hard and requires a great deal of energy and effort. If you’re doing it right, you recognize the places you need to grow and you see how impossible it is to do without God Himself.

Look at society today, with how many CPS cases are open and tell me that we are flourishing. We aren’t. Look at all the divorces and failed marriages and tell me we are actually doing well. We aren’t.

The point is to recognize our brokenness and heal. Not stay in it, not live with or choose it. Not cop out and say “It’s just who I am.”

The wound of the father is one that changes the course of action of developmental growth in every relationship she encounters.

She will be looking for him, the ideal him, in hopes that she will find him someday.

And even if she does find those qualities, the double edged sword is one that is the unkindest cut of all.

She will want what she has found but simultaneously, fear it. The question that remains in unhealed spaces, that lingers in the background: “Will you wound my already wounded soul?”

Closure and reconciliation are needed in order for the healing process, to fully manifest.

Healing, by no stretch of the imagination is easily done. It won’t be complete by being medicated or ignoring it. Another man cannot fix it either.

For a woman with a father wound to know true healing, part of this journey is to forgive the father that failed her.

To clarify; reconciliation is not the same as forgiveness.

Forgiveness means that the person, not from a place of guilt or shame, soberly chooses to release the transgressions of the one that caused pain. It is not an excuse. It is not justification. It is simply the choice to release that with which she has been holding in contempt, white-knuckling the pain in order to self preserve. Letting it go means not “being ok” with what was done, but abandoning it, no longer carrying the baggage that he forced upon her.

The failure of a father, while it will never be undone, the volume of the pain can be turned down.

Acceptance of what has happened, what didn’t happen; this again is not a hall pass; it is operating out of a place of sound mind and sober judgement. Not to be afraid of objectively looking at what was done, just reviewing the information and what occurred.

It will never change by hate or resentment. The past will never be undone, this is an obvious statement, but sometimes in our pain we revisit that past as often as we can in order to try to prevent history from repeating.

In order to explore the self we sometimes deep dive into the past but the caution is this, sometimes pain can change the narrative, distort the truth and blur the lines between fact and fiction.

If rejection is at the root of the wound, anytime a woman has an instance with a future partner that is avoidant or needs space, she my take this as personal rejection. The belief that she is on some deep level unworthy and that the other person picks up on this like a scent and sniffs out the fear she has been trying to bury.

Some women who had avoidant fathers will have a partner that is avoidant; “Girls marry their fathers”, does have a bit a truth to it. She is attracted to what she was shown as “love”, it is familiar. There is the hope that this time she will be accepted. This time she will feel wanted and loved. Certainly she won’t always have the misfortune of rejection. Surely she will finally have what was denied her all those years before.

There is the opposite for some that they just chose isolation altogether only dabbling in dating, never getting close to anyone, never being transparent or vulnerable.

The dark history for some of an abusive father that betrayed his daughter, decimated her innocence and crushed her soul; that is a far greater ocean to navigate. One that alters the fabric of her being permanently but does not have to remain so.

Men that are involved with a woman with wounds, careful caution and deliberate, steady love will help in her healing process. It’s not his job to heal her, he can’t. But he doesn’t have to add to the wounds. He can provide a safe place for her, to communicate as they go, organically addressing the issues as they arise. It was not his mistake that he is paying for, he is being present and kind while she does the work.

A wounded woman needs a gentle man. One that doesn’t criticize but encourages and supports. One that accepts her exactly as she is, wounds and all. He encourages, patiently provides care and consideration. He never subtracts and only adds. In whatever healthy way that he can be there, he does so.

The father wound doesn’t have to be life sentence.

In fact the true healing comes when a woman is able to seek God and find Him as He has promised to do. Even when her own earthly father failed, her heavenly father promises loyalty and faithfulness, acceptance and that He will never leave her or forsake her.

Jeremiah 29:13 “You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.”

Deuteronomy 31:6 “The LORD himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged”.

Matthew 28:20 “And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age”. -Jesus

The need for God becomes a void no man can fill if a woman doesn’t have a relationship with Him. She lives a life with pain, unfulfilled. No matter how busy or productive, it shows when a woman isn’t living a life of healing. Her relationships suffer, she suffers.

The wounds that we carry from childhood into our adult life never depart from us, unless we deliberately choose healing.

And what does that look like with God? He promises that He will answer any prayer if it is in alignment with His good and perfect will.

Praying for “sound mind and sober judgement” can help us to stop operating out of a place that is emotion or fear driven. We are fully aware of our pain but we can speak plainly to God, He already knows anyway. We don’t have to pretend or sugar coat the truth with God. He already loves us and accepts us are we are, sometimes our mind convinces us otherwise.

²² “But the Holy Spirit produces this kind of fruit in our lives: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, ²³ gentleness, and self-control. There is no law against these things!”-Galatians 5:22-23

Prayer for these attributes in the life of a person seeking healing and recovery, God will grant this request. What a difference. To feel loved, to have joy, to have peace, to operate out of patience, kindness and goodness. To have self-control?

Often the truth about the wounded women is that she wants joy but doesn’t have it. She is already stretched thin and trying to pour from an empty cup. She can be quick to lash out, easily irritated or angry. She can be impatient, demanding or shut down from a forced apathy.

She is too busy trying to protect herself, that its almost impossible to give.

But with a God focused recovery, there is a great exchange. He takes the pain and provides healing in its’ place. He doesn’t simply rip things out by the root alone.

He is the great gardener, very carefully pruning trees, not uprooting them. He is able to remove the weeds that have taken root in the soul. He provides irrigation to the dry places but doesn’t flood the soil. He is wise in how He plants truth deeply. But He does so by invitation only, considering all the boundaries that she has had violated. God never forces anyone to accept Him but He is the one that accepts us as we are.

The truth is that any wound that has lingered as it has, that has fused into our being, extraction must be careful and strategic. Even if we want something gone, if we view it as part of ourselves, if it has manifested into our identity, we can’t simply wish it gone or will it to leave.

The healing process with God in the simplest of terms is, invitation to ask Him to help. Confession, of what we need help with. Awareness of the areas that are unhealed and hurting. Deliberate choice to address these areas, communicating through writing them down or speaking them in prayer. As He is a specific God, asking for specifics down to the tiniest of detail can help. It the awareness of any negative self-talk and mindset that isn’t helpful or kind and we get to change the narrative and speak the truth instead. We need not try to keep going from a place of lack.

“Those who trust in the Lord lack no good thing.” psalm 34:10

The wounds that we carry aren’t beyond the healing of God. Psychology only offers so much in the way of explanation, disorders and labels. Most of what appears to be offered are a variety of therapies, medications. To get to the heart of the person, that requires time and presence.

A wounded woman that lives her life, always in forward motion afraid of the past, afraid of reflection will continue to carry the past with her like heavy baggage with back breaking weight. There is no pretending it never happened, it will remain until healing is chosen.

And healing will not be immediate. It will mean the daily choice of surrender to God. The deliberate choice to seek His ways that are higher.

Proverbs 3:5 says: “Lean not on your own understanding but in all your ways acknowledge Him and He will make your paths straight.”

Growing up with pain will teach self reliance. It will communicate that we are the only safe place to go to and that everyone else can only be trusted so far.

God can be trusted. He is the only one that we can fully place our faith, hope and trust in. Although our earthly fathers fail us, our heavenly father does not.

A woman who receives divine healing is able to walk in a wholeness that no one else can give to her. A man cannot remove what a man did. But God can heal her.

Every healing journey is different. Every process requires introspection, support, intentionality.

The hope is that in pursuing healing, the wounds will be cleansed and close. The scars will remain but it’s no longer about living in fear but of having healthy boundaries. A woman that walks in her healing is a woman that knows where she comes from and trusts that God knows where she is going.

It is a moving forward and a releasing the past so that it no longer influences her present or determines her future. It is a knowing that yes she was changed from what happened in the past but that she is able to walk in freedom. She is able to freely love and to openly give from fullness, from overflow. She is no longer tapped out, depleted and in pain. She is healthy and knows how to live this life to the fullest.

She is given the permission to grieve what once was, to mourn that with which was lost. But now is able to rejoice in the truth that she is alive and well and no longer walking around wounded and afraid of what she can’t control. She is stronger because of this healing, she is able to forgive what happened and release it. She has set down the baggage that was too heavy and never meant for her. She recognizes who she is, not from a place of ego but a place of confidence. She knows that what a man did or didn’t do does not determine her self worth, it never did.

Any lies that she came into agreement with begin to show that they are not from God. The confusion, the chaos, they are replaced by peace and awareness.

The healing journey doesn’t have to be one made alone. Helpful support is available. Healing is possible. The wounds of our past do not have to determine the course of our future.

Don’t give up.

May God be with you, may you know Him as the love that you have always been waiting for. Even if you are carrying wounds, may you know His good and perfect healing. May this be the year that you have freedom.

-Contact Monarch Counseling Services for an appointment if you are looking for healing support-*