The daunting task of getting out of bed, it’s not really the physical effort to do so as much as it is the realization of all that the mind is fully aware of and facing. The night before was the want to ignore and drown it all out. For that day to just be over with. Something unbearable exists below the surface.

Perhaps loss, grief, devastation. To be physically awake means to mentally be aware of all the things that demand more than we can give.

Depression has a variety of causes, we are capable of googling what our symptoms are. But what’s the root cause?

It began somewhere, over time perhaps, with mindsets and mentalities and perceptions; the seeds planted, that were under the surface all along became firmly rooted and then resulted in a bitter harvest of depression.

Let’s look into a few of the ways that this manifests.

Self-betrayal. Knowing full well that we are immersed in an addiction that we have no intention of breaking up with anytime soon. We may ignore what we’ve done, the guilt is blaringly loud. Anything that we surrendered ourselves to, that cost more than we were willing to pay; that goes against our better judgement, that meant that our conscience was violated, then ignored. That once in a while drink that turned into a daily routine until we pass out. Nevermind what that does to our insides and our brains. We have our reasons. Perhaps it’s a husband that turns to porn in secret and hides it from his wife as he knows his betrayal to her but won’t let it go. Or a wife that entertains the affections of a co-worker having an emotional affair, justifying why she won’t stop and pretends it isn’t really an affair because nothing physical has happened. Or a young woman restricting her eating and overexercising, the rouse is that she is still eating, just trying to be “healthy” and being “fit” is a good thing?

Depression can come from self-betrayal, stop the negative behavior and find that depression remains no more. Oh, if “stopping” were that easy. You really can stop, it’s usually the relationship to it that we don’t want to end. Depression that comes from a prideful ego, is not easily “cured” until the ego death occurs. To deliberately choose to betray another human being that comes from the malice of heart, whatever the reason, the mindset is the stronghold. Not the addiction itself. It is the belief system of the one that betrays. Justification may be the jury to support the verdict in the mind that whatever we are doing is acceptable at the expense of ourselves or others; but this doesn’t mean it’s the truth.

Remove the things we are doing wrong and perhaps depression wouldn’t be an issue in those instances.

The past and trauma, the way that we can never seem to outrun that with which we haven’t healed from, is also our current self wrestling with the pain of not being able to be fully present; to live in the now. It is the past version of ourselves that is wounded, unhealed and begging for healing. Almost as though we have version of ourselves that remains crying in the corner, the burden, the unbearable weight of responsibility says: “I can’t help you.” That helplessness, that feeling of failing ourselves can be a depressing burden to carry. We tried hiding it, burying it, ignoring it, turning to any type of addiction, anything but trying to face it and heal it. Why? Maybe because we were afraid. Maybe it was never knowing a healthy way to do it. Maybe it was an overlap of the fear of that wounded part of ourselves that said, they never wanted to relive or re-experience it or to be re-traumatized. I can attest to working with hundreds of individuals with the common belief system:

“To ask for help is weakness and vulnerability; it feels like exploitation, exposure. It means revisiting what I keep trying to outrun. It would mean me going through the pain all over again and I’m already in enough pain. Counseling just means one more reason to reveal my ugly past and my poor self image. I already feel like a broken failure and now I have to sit with a stranger and say it out loud?”

Depression can be a from an unreconciled heart. One that knows that this isn’t supposed to be their life. There’s nothing that can be done to change the past. And sometimes the burden of regret alone is enough to make a grown man cry. Guilt and shame often secondary emotions to trauma, vibrate through the soul like a constant frequency that can’t be ignored. Some say the “skeletons in my closet”, “the ghosts from my past”, “the things I’m not proud of”. Any of these sayings attests to that unfortunate realization that there is always the background noise of pain and unrest. It will never leave. Not until it is most carefully approached and patiently healed.

Depression can also be neurological. Most experts are hesitant to deem it a “chemical imbalance” but medical professionals will push SSRI’s (anti-depressants) if a client arrives claiming depression symptoms. To be honest. medication has a place for some and can bring relief, but it is not the answer alone, nor is it a cure.

Like most issues with the human condition, is the presentation of symptoms but to medicate that alone, doesn’t address the root cause. It doesn’t bring to surface, nor does it shine a light into what has been hidden in the darkness.

So sure, medication if it works and is done right, monitored safely; excellent if it helps. But it can’t stop there, it mustn’t end there.

Let’s talk about environmental/circumstantial/conditional depression. Living with a toxic partner. That’s a special kind of hell to come home to everyday. Break ups are often the answer and while hard at first, coming home to the absence of chaos reveals the real reason why that person was depressed to begin with and honestly aren’t once the toxic partner has vacated their lives.

An abusive home life, parents that hit or humiliate. Even emotional abuse, one of the deviant forms of abuse as words don’t leave marks and no one can prove what the villain in the story has said or done. But stop the abuse, start the healing, depression is often en route to fade to black.

A crap job that is miserable to the person, quit the job, quit the depression. If it can be changed, removed or healed, often the good news is that depression is temporary. And in general, find the source, the reason and explore the options. There are always options.

Reframing our situation can offer sound mind and sober judgement. Maybe there was the accepted lie that things would never change and always be that awful.

I am not a fan of “always and never” given there is no proof for infinity in life, the permanence is physical death. But even then, the soul lives on.

Introspection can save a life. Being analytical can really ground us in truth and bring about the realization that beyond this right now, this burning, this pain, what if there was relief? A remedy? What if, even if we have suffered as we have, there really was a life waiting for us outside of being depressed and feeling trapped?

There are turning points. How many nights did unshed tears feel like a tightness in our chest? Did it feel like being alive was pointless, unbearable even? To feel as though the anchor was wound around our ankle and we were sinking beneath the waves, never to surface again, but still we woke up the next day. And even being resentful of waking up, we still had breath, our heart still beats and we have the choice to change it all.

If you’re reading this because you’re hurting because you’re depressed, there can be a day without it, even a life without it. Without comparison to another persons journey, it takes courage and bravery to embark onto a journey to healing and recovery.

Just because it hasn’t happened yet, doesn’t mean that it won’t. Just because we have faced years of suffering, it doesn’t prove that we will always remain that way. It’s hard to hope when there seems to be no reason to.

But the truth is the brain is always including and excluding information. Much the computer, the brain assesses, reboots, deletes, stores. Whatever tabs we opened we can close. Whatever we train our focus on that’s where our trajectory goes. Worry and despair are active forms of meditation. If we have the ability to worry, we have the ability to shift our focus as well. Some things seem impossible until they’re done. Some habits we formed while they once served a purpose, no longer do and so they must be retired and set aside for the grander purpose of feeling a life beyond depression.

There are common coping skills such as:

physical activity: exercise being an natural anti-depressant. Endorphins can be helpers to boost positive brain activity.

Unplugging: disconnecting from devices for a mental health break, abandon doom scrolling, leave behind the picture perfect images on social media. etc. Give your mind a rest.

Diet: garbage in, garbage out. Eating poorly and neglecting health and well being can take a toll. Dehydration; too much caffeine or alcohol; too much recreational drugs. Maybe the brain just needs to detox?

Ending relationships with empty connections that are battery drainers. Breaking up with toxic. Creating healthy boundaries so that we aren’t people pleasing and suffering the loss of ourselves for the sake of others.

Nature involvement, even if we don’t have the energy to do it, spending time outside in peace and calm; the beach, the forest, going for a walk; any way to be beyond stuck at home can bring up patterns of rumination, the temptation to dwell on the past or that with which we think is unchangeable.

Trauma remains, much like our shadow, following after; Willful ignorance isn’t bliss.

And ultimately, on a personal note:

I have had one of the absolute dearest of best friends, dearest of childhood friends, and two family member that I loved more than life itself. They succumbed to depression and gave into ending it all in the form of suicide.

Not you too.

Not you too.

If there was ever a reason to pursue healing, please know, depression never ends well, if untreated.

I am here.

I care.

You don’t have to do this alone.